the living sacrifice

From now on I will be blogging at a new site
Do come by to pay me a visit.
God bless you

The Lord is doing a beautiful thing in our generation! My heart was warmed today as I listened to testimonies by those of us who have been coming for prayer meeting. How I love to glory in His Cross. Today saw me bringing my MNO group-mates to church office for our video project. I thank God that I could manage to encourage them a little bit with my Campus Crusade encouragement cards. And guess what, they allowed me to pray aloud for them right there and then. And mind you, none of them believes in Jesus---but the LORD is doing a beautiful thing in my generation! Who cares if all of them thought I was being ridiculous gathering them around myself and praying in Jesus’ Name.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.

The Lord has encouraged me with good term exam results. It doesn’t matter to me if a 4.0 CAP is nothing excellent in your standard; in mine it is awesome, miraculous, extravagant...because it means me keeping my Double Degree and living for Jesus with the stronger assurance that ‘where the will of God has brought me, the grace of God will keep me’ (Quoted Anna Tam my friend). Dont take me wrong, I am not here to keep my scholarship! Life is much more than just that, and such a thing is surely not worth living for. But God has allowed me to come to NUS (mind you it is NUS and not Grinnell or Oxford, despite how I was all excited about them in Secondary School) to do His will and He will fulfil His promises to me.

Which reminded me today on my way back from Oasis that loving people was the real reason for me to be doing group projects. As far as eternity is concerned, it pleased the Lord that I was with them for the whole of the afternoon, despite how little we have accomplished.

I thank God that I can be here among you.

I am going to do my Maths Tutorial into the night because I want to be a good testimony for the LORD. I want to be faithful with school work and I am going to be on time for Maths tutorial (for the first time since uni started. I want to win that boy sitting next to me over for Jesus. I want to shine His light in the world.

God is great!

If you happen to visit this site, either by chance or by intention, and if you want to receive a Bible, please drop me a note at Quynhanh24@hotmail.com. I will do my utmost to help you.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self control; and to self control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 2Perter1:5

For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.
1Timothy4:8

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.
Matthew 22:37-38

I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ.
Philemon 6

Look upon Zion, the city of our festivals
your eyes will see Jerusalem
a peaceful abode, a tent that will not be moved
its stakes will never be pulled up,
or any of its ropes broken.
There the LORD will be your Mighty One
It will be a place of broad rivers and streams
...
No one living in Zion will say, 'I am ill'
and the sins of those whol dwell there will be forgiven.
Isaiah33:20-24

I went to NUH just now, at 11:30 with Uncle Chee Khiam and a student who accidentally cut her finger. I prayed to the LORD in the lift after I met her in the office— Thank you LORD for healing the cut and saving her from the 2 hours of waiting for a doctor to do stitching. Thank you LORD.
I still have not figured out a way to do my MNO assignment for tomorrow. We are supposed to describe an occasion when there was a need for service beyond the call of duty yet I chose not to contribute...Actually in my life there are countless moments when I ignored what I could have done for the people around me. I could have always loved more. I could have been more enthusiastic and persistent in sharing the gospel for Jesus. I could have written more letters and encouragement notes. The reason why I have been falling short of His expectations? My sinful nature, my greed, my self-centeredness. But am I going to put this in my assignment? I don’t think the tutor is going to accept any of such---the world wants things that are structured, professional, well-established—it doesn’t like facing up to the basic facts of how horrid we are in relation to goodness. It is afraid of despairing. But I don’t despair, do I? I have hope in HIS salvation. That was what I told Xavier today. I don’t think he understood what I meant. But I think one day he will. Our conversation was a good reminder for me to pray for him. I am going to post here his email to me back in July this year, when we met more often.
We still haven’t found a place for our filming. I am waking up early tomorrow morning to look through our scripts and finalise the props needed. I am the paranoid secretary in the office who is forever weary over deadlines...haha so not like me—but I will see what I can do. Should go to spotlight on Wednesday morning to get costumes for the White Witch and my beloved Aslan. Haha I love Aslan.
Mission 8 Click 45 minutes tomorrow. I love Tuesday because of our group run and our prayer meeting that follows. I love Tuesday because tomorrow is Tuesday. Oh yes, our Ethical Healthcare Position Paper is in very good shape...I like PeiFen and Kenneth very very much. How I love discussing stuff with them.
Sam’s sore eyes come back again! Lord, please grant her healing and comfort...it is exam time and the little girl is worried all over. I saw her just now in the office before I brought the student to NUH and didn’t manage to talk to her much. May His Spirit empower you with peace right now as I am typing this!

Thanks to Sam and Dzung for your care. I am so really touched by how you called each other up to pray for me. Thanks for lifting me up with your faith in Jesus when I needed you the most.

The exams are over, and I have a lot left to learn, but I know more than my fair share of mercy was granted. Whatever the outcome, like I said, we would still praise God wouldn’t we?

Uncle David spoke to me about the same issue over again. Either he must be able to read the disappointment from my expressions or he must have read my blog somehow, because he spoke as one who knew exactly what I was going through. I left out one another explanation though, which is most likely, that he is close enough with the Lord to have such discernment. How I wish I could be like him.

Disappointment is good. Disappointment is good good good. Because it keeps us sober and needy and humble and seeking the Lord. I am going to get over my hurt in a matter of days—Pastor See told me to learn to release it all unto Him and to recognise that I am living on borrowed time, which I am. The Lord has loaned to me this life, this health, this heart, this degree, this scholarship. He has loaned to me today, and probably tomorrow, not to waste away in frustration and rottenness but to sing Him praise. Shouldnt I then make the best use out of whatever I have got?

It is still lingering right now as I am typing this. But who am I to own you? Who am I to have control over your actions and thoughts? Who am I to claim your love for me? For those of you who have no idea what is going on in my life, don’t be too worried. It is not unrequited love; it is none of the sort of things you see on movies or dramas. It is AnnaBanana trying to love someone with a Godly love and then succeeded at loving and then got hurt. Unrequited charity perhaps, with some tinge of emotional attachment too. I am not minimising the magnitude of what I truly experience; just avoiding unnecessary misunderstanding. Not that I am afraid you might judge me if you knew what really happened. I am just afraid you might unintentionally trivialise the relationship and the one I care for.

I have been praying that somehow we could continue where we last left off. But on a second thought, why cant it be that the LORD sends someone else to continue where I last left off? That would be much better really. Then I would have to learn to release you; then I would have to stop acting as if whatever you do as a direct result of my work in your life. That is what I need. That is what you need darling.

I remember telling you once that I have come into your life because of Jesus and one day I would leave because of Him. I wasn’t kidding. Jesus did allow things to happen such that I would leave this time round; but for my own good He has dragged me out because of my stubbornness-my selfish love for you. Despite this wild urge within me to get back to you right now, to pick up the phone or go to write a letter, I know deep down He meant it for my own good. I don’t know what would happen if I stayed longer. But I am free right now, by His side, and I shall not think about what would have been. One thing I am sure: what went on in you and in me and between us was good. It was good and godly and sanctifying.

There is a time for everything
A season for every activity under heaven

Ecclesiastes 3:1

I am getting prepared to receive someone else into my life. I am going ahead, even if my heart has not yet fully healed. The LORD is my healer. Darling, don’t think that I blame you for any of the events that happened. You have no part in my disappointment. You might have done things that lead to it but it wasn’t your fault---it doesn’t matter to me even if you wanted to hurt me, which I highly doubt you did. Because this is my personal journey with GOD. He wants to choose you to teach me reliance on Him. Of course I would like to see you till the end, yet He knows better and He thinks it shouldn’t be that I get what I like.

Maybe one day we will meet again. Perhaps in the far-off future when we both have changed for the better. Or perhaps in the near future when somehow the LORD changes His mind on matters concerning both of us. The best thing for me to do right now is to stop hoping for the latter and have faith in the former; that we will meet in front of His throne because you will have called Him your Father because of His goodness shown to you.

I am going to pray for you now!

We completed our Mission Eight Click Saturday Night. After that I told Xuan Yao about you. Xuan Yao is a pre-believer but she listens to all that I say about Jesus in my life with such interest and patience and sensitivity that I have grown to be very comfortable by her side. Xuan Yao told me to continue praying for you. And I thought that really touched me.

To love is to be vulnerable.

I dont know how things could have been otherwise between me and the people whom I have come to love so dearly. Sometimes the state of things causes me to be envious of other people really. I am envious with those people who seem as if they never get into such utter vulnerability as I do, with those people who walk around as if they own the universe. Sometimes I am convinced that I deserve much better treatment somehow, with respect to how much I have poured out onto these people in my life.

My home doesnt belong here. At night when things have all quietened down and the incessant duties of Anna the 19 year old halt for a little while, I can see things more clearly. I can see Him the giver of all good gifts and have confidence that these momentary sufferings will accomplish the purpose for which He has sent them. I bring that serenity with me to Engin canteen where I sit and talk with WaiTeng about the things that matter to both of us. I bring that into my training, my English Critique class, my MA tutorial, to Oasis...

But the moment I am supposed to go out to LOVE people for HIM my peace seems to slowly evaporate, sometimes without me noticing. When it comes to loving someone other than myself, my own strength isnt sufficient any longer... I can go on my own steam for perhaps a short distance, but I will break down somehow a little further down the road. There are moments when I am afraid of even continuing to love, when I feel like putting a spell on my own heart and turning it into a heart of stone, impenetrable, unbreakable, forever enclosed in the coffin of my self-preservation.

Some days it is just harder to wake up...
Some days I am tempted to look the other way and deny my LORD.
Some days I am tempted to ignore what HE has done for me, in me and through me.
Some days I just need a good cry.

Keep me in your prayers would you? I have been teaching this lesson about loving but being detached, about reaching out to people but leaving the sanctification to God to do...Now I have learnt that it is impossible. I am confident that God will do the work, but I cant help feeling so deeply inside. I cant help being so emotionally attached, I cant help feeling vulnerable at every turn of events, at people's abrupt changes, at life in general.

If I didnt know HIM, perhaps I would have curled up in a ball and cried. But I have decided to give it all to Him to heal.

'As He spoke, He no longer looked to them like a Lion, and the things that began to happen after that were so great and wonderful that I cant even write them. All their life on Earth and all their adventure in Narnia have only been the cover and the title page. Now at last they are beginning Chaper One of the Great Story, which goes on forever and in which every chapter is better than the one before'[paraphased C.S.L]

So I will go for training tonight and be sure of His faithfulness. So I will see Mirna and give her whatever comfort I am capable of giving, for the LORD has a great plan for her too.

So it is MNO lecture now...and it feels as if He has just breathed on me.
Thank you Father.

I think my Mom and my Dad's love for me is so totally miraculous. My parents say things that hardly any other parents would say. I dont know how to describe them here.

Yesterday's evening we had our first ever exam paper in Uni life. I was supposed to fail because I didnt study enough...but I am going to keep my Double Degree because of His grace... Guess how many times He need to grant me grace through out my university life! Through out the paper I kept thinking of the harness around me, which was the arm of God upholding me. The whole world was praying for my peace through out the exam...seriously Rou Juan was praying for me, pastor, Uncle David, Auntie Kerry, Auntie Lay Eng, Uncle Chee Khiam, Gabby, Auntie Shiao Ying, Auntie Linda, Scott, Mom, Dad...my whole world was praying for me.

NOw it doesnt matter the outcome. It's the going up, the leaning backward, the resting, the trusting that matter.

I went to Oasis today in the afternoon, wanted to see Zining for a little while before her second Maths paper but she couldnt make it...poor little girl...she must have been so tired from all the studying and worrying and being upset by classmates. So after 2 I left for Uni again to complete my Gym and handed in my Training Log in time. Marketing Meeting was great, though the next week will see me writing marketing proposal for our MIR7 with Teshil. Perhaps I should do it now.

Thought I could see Ying Xian for a while but well, I dont know what really has happened to her...or to me actually...Perhaps it is time to let go and let God. I would be lying if I said the whole process of seeing you through this while didnt affect me. I feel pressed somehow, in spirit. I wish I were a little stronger...but then again your own sister is so already strong enough for you...perhaps I should have been more patient. Patient like Joey. No-wonder Joey has such a charm about her...I am addicted to Joey too!!! Let's start a Joey's fan club. I am tired. But I wont stop praying.

'The Lord will change your heart and make you new'
'...despite my helplessness as to how to help you out of your indifference...'

I should go to sleep soon shouldnt I! It has been a long day today.

Sam, I think you are a great sister really. Dont worry too much about the rest of your papers okay? Learn to trust in the everlasting arms. I am always here to listen to your everything...even though I always call it nonsense...It is the sensible sort of nonsense which you trust me enough to let me know. And I appreciate it. Deep down. Really.