...Living on borrowed time...
Thanks to Sam and Dzung for your care. I am so really touched by how you called each other up to pray for me. Thanks for lifting me up with your faith in Jesus when I needed you the most.
The exams are over, and I have a lot left to learn, but I know more than my fair share of mercy was granted. Whatever the outcome, like I said, we would still praise God wouldn’t we?
Uncle David spoke to me about the same issue over again. Either he must be able to read the disappointment from my expressions or he must have read my blog somehow, because he spoke as one who knew exactly what I was going through. I left out one another explanation though, which is most likely, that he is close enough with the Lord to have such discernment. How I wish I could be like him.
Disappointment is good. Disappointment is good good good. Because it keeps us sober and needy and humble and seeking the Lord. I am going to get over my hurt in a matter of days—Pastor See told me to learn to release it all unto Him and to recognise that I am living on borrowed time, which I am. The Lord has loaned to me this life, this health, this heart, this degree, this scholarship. He has loaned to me today, and probably tomorrow, not to waste away in frustration and rottenness but to sing Him praise. Shouldnt I then make the best use out of whatever I have got?
It is still lingering right now as I am typing this. But who am I to own you? Who am I to have control over your actions and thoughts? Who am I to claim your love for me? For those of you who have no idea what is going on in my life, don’t be too worried. It is not unrequited love; it is none of the sort of things you see on movies or dramas. It is AnnaBanana trying to love someone with a Godly love and then succeeded at loving and then got hurt. Unrequited charity perhaps, with some tinge of emotional attachment too. I am not minimising the magnitude of what I truly experience; just avoiding unnecessary misunderstanding. Not that I am afraid you might judge me if you knew what really happened. I am just afraid you might unintentionally trivialise the relationship and the one I care for.
I have been praying that somehow we could continue where we last left off. But on a second thought, why cant it be that the LORD sends someone else to continue where I last left off? That would be much better really. Then I would have to learn to release you; then I would have to stop acting as if whatever you do as a direct result of my work in your life. That is what I need. That is what you need darling.
I remember telling you once that I have come into your life because of Jesus and one day I would leave because of Him. I wasn’t kidding. Jesus did allow things to happen such that I would leave this time round; but for my own good He has dragged me out because of my stubbornness-my selfish love for you. Despite this wild urge within me to get back to you right now, to pick up the phone or go to write a letter, I know deep down He meant it for my own good. I don’t know what would happen if I stayed longer. But I am free right now, by His side, and I shall not think about what would have been. One thing I am sure: what went on in you and in me and between us was good. It was good and godly and sanctifying.
There is a time for everything
A season for every activity under heaven
Ecclesiastes 3:1
I am getting prepared to receive someone else into my life. I am going ahead, even if my heart has not yet fully healed. The LORD is my healer. Darling, don’t think that I blame you for any of the events that happened. You have no part in my disappointment. You might have done things that lead to it but it wasn’t your fault---it doesn’t matter to me even if you wanted to hurt me, which I highly doubt you did. Because this is my personal journey with GOD. He wants to choose you to teach me reliance on Him. Of course I would like to see you till the end, yet He knows better and He thinks it shouldn’t be that I get what I like.
Maybe one day we will meet again. Perhaps in the far-off future when we both have changed for the better. Or perhaps in the near future when somehow the LORD changes His mind on matters concerning both of us. The best thing for me to do right now is to stop hoping for the latter and have faith in the former; that we will meet in front of His throne because you will have called Him your Father because of His goodness shown to you.
I am going to pray for you now!
We completed our Mission Eight Click Saturday Night. After that I told Xuan Yao about you. Xuan Yao is a pre-believer but she listens to all that I say about Jesus in my life with such interest and patience and sensitivity that I have grown to be very comfortable by her side. Xuan Yao told me to continue praying for you. And I thought that really touched me.
The exams are over, and I have a lot left to learn, but I know more than my fair share of mercy was granted. Whatever the outcome, like I said, we would still praise God wouldn’t we?
Uncle David spoke to me about the same issue over again. Either he must be able to read the disappointment from my expressions or he must have read my blog somehow, because he spoke as one who knew exactly what I was going through. I left out one another explanation though, which is most likely, that he is close enough with the Lord to have such discernment. How I wish I could be like him.
Disappointment is good. Disappointment is good good good. Because it keeps us sober and needy and humble and seeking the Lord. I am going to get over my hurt in a matter of days—Pastor See told me to learn to release it all unto Him and to recognise that I am living on borrowed time, which I am. The Lord has loaned to me this life, this health, this heart, this degree, this scholarship. He has loaned to me today, and probably tomorrow, not to waste away in frustration and rottenness but to sing Him praise. Shouldnt I then make the best use out of whatever I have got?
It is still lingering right now as I am typing this. But who am I to own you? Who am I to have control over your actions and thoughts? Who am I to claim your love for me? For those of you who have no idea what is going on in my life, don’t be too worried. It is not unrequited love; it is none of the sort of things you see on movies or dramas. It is AnnaBanana trying to love someone with a Godly love and then succeeded at loving and then got hurt. Unrequited charity perhaps, with some tinge of emotional attachment too. I am not minimising the magnitude of what I truly experience; just avoiding unnecessary misunderstanding. Not that I am afraid you might judge me if you knew what really happened. I am just afraid you might unintentionally trivialise the relationship and the one I care for.
I have been praying that somehow we could continue where we last left off. But on a second thought, why cant it be that the LORD sends someone else to continue where I last left off? That would be much better really. Then I would have to learn to release you; then I would have to stop acting as if whatever you do as a direct result of my work in your life. That is what I need. That is what you need darling.
I remember telling you once that I have come into your life because of Jesus and one day I would leave because of Him. I wasn’t kidding. Jesus did allow things to happen such that I would leave this time round; but for my own good He has dragged me out because of my stubbornness-my selfish love for you. Despite this wild urge within me to get back to you right now, to pick up the phone or go to write a letter, I know deep down He meant it for my own good. I don’t know what would happen if I stayed longer. But I am free right now, by His side, and I shall not think about what would have been. One thing I am sure: what went on in you and in me and between us was good. It was good and godly and sanctifying.
There is a time for everything
A season for every activity under heaven
Ecclesiastes 3:1
I am getting prepared to receive someone else into my life. I am going ahead, even if my heart has not yet fully healed. The LORD is my healer. Darling, don’t think that I blame you for any of the events that happened. You have no part in my disappointment. You might have done things that lead to it but it wasn’t your fault---it doesn’t matter to me even if you wanted to hurt me, which I highly doubt you did. Because this is my personal journey with GOD. He wants to choose you to teach me reliance on Him. Of course I would like to see you till the end, yet He knows better and He thinks it shouldn’t be that I get what I like.
Maybe one day we will meet again. Perhaps in the far-off future when we both have changed for the better. Or perhaps in the near future when somehow the LORD changes His mind on matters concerning both of us. The best thing for me to do right now is to stop hoping for the latter and have faith in the former; that we will meet in front of His throne because you will have called Him your Father because of His goodness shown to you.
I am going to pray for you now!
We completed our Mission Eight Click Saturday Night. After that I told Xuan Yao about you. Xuan Yao is a pre-believer but she listens to all that I say about Jesus in my life with such interest and patience and sensitivity that I have grown to be very comfortable by her side. Xuan Yao told me to continue praying for you. And I thought that really touched me.
posted by Anna @ 11:27 PM
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