the living sacrifice

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half truths and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor

A Franciscan Benediction

At prayer today, we shared much about being holy and pure for Him. It touched my heart deeply. May this inspire me to set my heart more resolutely towards the heavenly Kingdom. When Uncle dropped me at the rear gate, I took some time to observe the sky tonight. Such vastness. Such freedom. It made my heart want to take flight into that refreshing air even for just a moment. 'But in the garden, God asks us to go back into the world', said Pastor See. And I believe there is much truth in that. Yet for now, at least for now, I am just going to be a little girl lost in the quietness of the night. I am not alone. Not tonight. At least.

Purify my heart
Let me be as gold and precious silver
Purify my heart
Make me be as gold, pure gold

Lord, I want to be thankful that You have put me in charge of this concert even though I am so new to this whole thing. Lord, we dont have a theme. We dont know how the performers are going to appear on stage. We havent had our first rehearsal. And through all the audition rounds we have sensed that there is such a huge inertia among the smartest and most talented children. Lord, You know that our purpose is right, that only want to bless those who participate and those who come to be entertained. You know that I set out doing this only hoping to know more of the children and to show them that we arent here to make life miserable for them, but to give them a sense of direction, and if possible, hope. Lord, You know my heart.

You have caused everything to progress up to this stage. And I have asked You to bring only the right people--people who have a reason, known or unknown to them, to do what they are going to do. Lord, it is Your concert and if You want it to turn out glorifying to Your Name then You are going to send us the right emcee. You know what sort of an anchor we need--You know what atmosphere we need to project to loosen the children's angst and prejudices against boarding events. You know, Lord and we need You to help us.

Lord, we are coming in Your Name so show Your hand to us. And if I dont see Your hand then teach me to trust Your heart. You know what the management thinks about this whole thing and You know how I feel about it, too. Sometimes I just feel like exploding like a bomb but I am going to choose to stay sane for You and for the kids. Could You please help me to regain my peace and cool about this whole thing.

Please grant me a heart of a servant. When are we going to see the Strange Attractor? When are we going to look past this chaos and to see the pattern of Your plan, which pulls us together for something we would love to be in? I am going to wait wait wait.

Every time I pray I move the hand of God.

I might want to come back to this site to blog some time. Pretty skin isnt it?

I have so much to tell you but I dont know where to start.

Will try again tonight!

Tomorrow I am leaving for Malaysia. Had a very long conversation with Xavier today, which reminds me to be more earnest in my prayers. I packed my Bible along with me, among all the other things in my 50 m3 backpack. Pray for me to have the courage to share the love of Christ with these people whom I love. Pray for me not to lose heart whatever happens, because I belong to Him who knows all things. I am thankful that the papers are all over.

When I was fifteen I had a crush on someone. At that time it was thoroughly wild and godless. I said stupid stuff to him and got rejected and got depressed. But it didnt last long didnt affect me so badly because Jesus kept me safe in His loving arms, eventhough I had yet known Him. Now that many years have passed and I belong to Christ, I want to show Him God's love. It was timely that I met his cousin, Hai, in Singapore a few weeks ago, and got his number from a friend of his today. Pray that God will save him in His mercy!

Blogdrive did some crazy thing to me. It killed my site and I have no idea how to recover it. I am going to sleep soon.

Remember,
I love you!

From now on I will be blogging at a new site
Do come by to pay me a visit.
God bless you

The Lord is doing a beautiful thing in our generation! My heart was warmed today as I listened to testimonies by those of us who have been coming for prayer meeting. How I love to glory in His Cross. Today saw me bringing my MNO group-mates to church office for our video project. I thank God that I could manage to encourage them a little bit with my Campus Crusade encouragement cards. And guess what, they allowed me to pray aloud for them right there and then. And mind you, none of them believes in Jesus---but the LORD is doing a beautiful thing in my generation! Who cares if all of them thought I was being ridiculous gathering them around myself and praying in Jesus’ Name.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom.

The Lord has encouraged me with good term exam results. It doesn’t matter to me if a 4.0 CAP is nothing excellent in your standard; in mine it is awesome, miraculous, extravagant...because it means me keeping my Double Degree and living for Jesus with the stronger assurance that ‘where the will of God has brought me, the grace of God will keep me’ (Quoted Anna Tam my friend). Dont take me wrong, I am not here to keep my scholarship! Life is much more than just that, and such a thing is surely not worth living for. But God has allowed me to come to NUS (mind you it is NUS and not Grinnell or Oxford, despite how I was all excited about them in Secondary School) to do His will and He will fulfil His promises to me.

Which reminded me today on my way back from Oasis that loving people was the real reason for me to be doing group projects. As far as eternity is concerned, it pleased the Lord that I was with them for the whole of the afternoon, despite how little we have accomplished.

I thank God that I can be here among you.

I am going to do my Maths Tutorial into the night because I want to be a good testimony for the LORD. I want to be faithful with school work and I am going to be on time for Maths tutorial (for the first time since uni started. I want to win that boy sitting next to me over for Jesus. I want to shine His light in the world.

God is great!

If you happen to visit this site, either by chance or by intention, and if you want to receive a Bible, please drop me a note at Quynhanh24@hotmail.com. I will do my utmost to help you.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self control; and to self control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 2Perter1:5

For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.
1Timothy4:8

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.
Matthew 22:37-38

I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ.
Philemon 6

Look upon Zion, the city of our festivals
your eyes will see Jerusalem
a peaceful abode, a tent that will not be moved
its stakes will never be pulled up,
or any of its ropes broken.
There the LORD will be your Mighty One
It will be a place of broad rivers and streams
...
No one living in Zion will say, 'I am ill'
and the sins of those whol dwell there will be forgiven.
Isaiah33:20-24

I went to NUH just now, at 11:30 with Uncle Chee Khiam and a student who accidentally cut her finger. I prayed to the LORD in the lift after I met her in the office— Thank you LORD for healing the cut and saving her from the 2 hours of waiting for a doctor to do stitching. Thank you LORD.
I still have not figured out a way to do my MNO assignment for tomorrow. We are supposed to describe an occasion when there was a need for service beyond the call of duty yet I chose not to contribute...Actually in my life there are countless moments when I ignored what I could have done for the people around me. I could have always loved more. I could have been more enthusiastic and persistent in sharing the gospel for Jesus. I could have written more letters and encouragement notes. The reason why I have been falling short of His expectations? My sinful nature, my greed, my self-centeredness. But am I going to put this in my assignment? I don’t think the tutor is going to accept any of such---the world wants things that are structured, professional, well-established—it doesn’t like facing up to the basic facts of how horrid we are in relation to goodness. It is afraid of despairing. But I don’t despair, do I? I have hope in HIS salvation. That was what I told Xavier today. I don’t think he understood what I meant. But I think one day he will. Our conversation was a good reminder for me to pray for him. I am going to post here his email to me back in July this year, when we met more often.
We still haven’t found a place for our filming. I am waking up early tomorrow morning to look through our scripts and finalise the props needed. I am the paranoid secretary in the office who is forever weary over deadlines...haha so not like me—but I will see what I can do. Should go to spotlight on Wednesday morning to get costumes for the White Witch and my beloved Aslan. Haha I love Aslan.
Mission 8 Click 45 minutes tomorrow. I love Tuesday because of our group run and our prayer meeting that follows. I love Tuesday because tomorrow is Tuesday. Oh yes, our Ethical Healthcare Position Paper is in very good shape...I like PeiFen and Kenneth very very much. How I love discussing stuff with them.
Sam’s sore eyes come back again! Lord, please grant her healing and comfort...it is exam time and the little girl is worried all over. I saw her just now in the office before I brought the student to NUH and didn’t manage to talk to her much. May His Spirit empower you with peace right now as I am typing this!

Thanks to Sam and Dzung for your care. I am so really touched by how you called each other up to pray for me. Thanks for lifting me up with your faith in Jesus when I needed you the most.

The exams are over, and I have a lot left to learn, but I know more than my fair share of mercy was granted. Whatever the outcome, like I said, we would still praise God wouldn’t we?

Uncle David spoke to me about the same issue over again. Either he must be able to read the disappointment from my expressions or he must have read my blog somehow, because he spoke as one who knew exactly what I was going through. I left out one another explanation though, which is most likely, that he is close enough with the Lord to have such discernment. How I wish I could be like him.

Disappointment is good. Disappointment is good good good. Because it keeps us sober and needy and humble and seeking the Lord. I am going to get over my hurt in a matter of days—Pastor See told me to learn to release it all unto Him and to recognise that I am living on borrowed time, which I am. The Lord has loaned to me this life, this health, this heart, this degree, this scholarship. He has loaned to me today, and probably tomorrow, not to waste away in frustration and rottenness but to sing Him praise. Shouldnt I then make the best use out of whatever I have got?

It is still lingering right now as I am typing this. But who am I to own you? Who am I to have control over your actions and thoughts? Who am I to claim your love for me? For those of you who have no idea what is going on in my life, don’t be too worried. It is not unrequited love; it is none of the sort of things you see on movies or dramas. It is AnnaBanana trying to love someone with a Godly love and then succeeded at loving and then got hurt. Unrequited charity perhaps, with some tinge of emotional attachment too. I am not minimising the magnitude of what I truly experience; just avoiding unnecessary misunderstanding. Not that I am afraid you might judge me if you knew what really happened. I am just afraid you might unintentionally trivialise the relationship and the one I care for.

I have been praying that somehow we could continue where we last left off. But on a second thought, why cant it be that the LORD sends someone else to continue where I last left off? That would be much better really. Then I would have to learn to release you; then I would have to stop acting as if whatever you do as a direct result of my work in your life. That is what I need. That is what you need darling.

I remember telling you once that I have come into your life because of Jesus and one day I would leave because of Him. I wasn’t kidding. Jesus did allow things to happen such that I would leave this time round; but for my own good He has dragged me out because of my stubbornness-my selfish love for you. Despite this wild urge within me to get back to you right now, to pick up the phone or go to write a letter, I know deep down He meant it for my own good. I don’t know what would happen if I stayed longer. But I am free right now, by His side, and I shall not think about what would have been. One thing I am sure: what went on in you and in me and between us was good. It was good and godly and sanctifying.

There is a time for everything
A season for every activity under heaven

Ecclesiastes 3:1

I am getting prepared to receive someone else into my life. I am going ahead, even if my heart has not yet fully healed. The LORD is my healer. Darling, don’t think that I blame you for any of the events that happened. You have no part in my disappointment. You might have done things that lead to it but it wasn’t your fault---it doesn’t matter to me even if you wanted to hurt me, which I highly doubt you did. Because this is my personal journey with GOD. He wants to choose you to teach me reliance on Him. Of course I would like to see you till the end, yet He knows better and He thinks it shouldn’t be that I get what I like.

Maybe one day we will meet again. Perhaps in the far-off future when we both have changed for the better. Or perhaps in the near future when somehow the LORD changes His mind on matters concerning both of us. The best thing for me to do right now is to stop hoping for the latter and have faith in the former; that we will meet in front of His throne because you will have called Him your Father because of His goodness shown to you.

I am going to pray for you now!

We completed our Mission Eight Click Saturday Night. After that I told Xuan Yao about you. Xuan Yao is a pre-believer but she listens to all that I say about Jesus in my life with such interest and patience and sensitivity that I have grown to be very comfortable by her side. Xuan Yao told me to continue praying for you. And I thought that really touched me.

To love is to be vulnerable.

I dont know how things could have been otherwise between me and the people whom I have come to love so dearly. Sometimes the state of things causes me to be envious of other people really. I am envious with those people who seem as if they never get into such utter vulnerability as I do, with those people who walk around as if they own the universe. Sometimes I am convinced that I deserve much better treatment somehow, with respect to how much I have poured out onto these people in my life.

My home doesnt belong here. At night when things have all quietened down and the incessant duties of Anna the 19 year old halt for a little while, I can see things more clearly. I can see Him the giver of all good gifts and have confidence that these momentary sufferings will accomplish the purpose for which He has sent them. I bring that serenity with me to Engin canteen where I sit and talk with WaiTeng about the things that matter to both of us. I bring that into my training, my English Critique class, my MA tutorial, to Oasis...

But the moment I am supposed to go out to LOVE people for HIM my peace seems to slowly evaporate, sometimes without me noticing. When it comes to loving someone other than myself, my own strength isnt sufficient any longer... I can go on my own steam for perhaps a short distance, but I will break down somehow a little further down the road. There are moments when I am afraid of even continuing to love, when I feel like putting a spell on my own heart and turning it into a heart of stone, impenetrable, unbreakable, forever enclosed in the coffin of my self-preservation.

Some days it is just harder to wake up...
Some days I am tempted to look the other way and deny my LORD.
Some days I am tempted to ignore what HE has done for me, in me and through me.
Some days I just need a good cry.

Keep me in your prayers would you? I have been teaching this lesson about loving but being detached, about reaching out to people but leaving the sanctification to God to do...Now I have learnt that it is impossible. I am confident that God will do the work, but I cant help feeling so deeply inside. I cant help being so emotionally attached, I cant help feeling vulnerable at every turn of events, at people's abrupt changes, at life in general.

If I didnt know HIM, perhaps I would have curled up in a ball and cried. But I have decided to give it all to Him to heal.

'As He spoke, He no longer looked to them like a Lion, and the things that began to happen after that were so great and wonderful that I cant even write them. All their life on Earth and all their adventure in Narnia have only been the cover and the title page. Now at last they are beginning Chaper One of the Great Story, which goes on forever and in which every chapter is better than the one before'[paraphased C.S.L]

So I will go for training tonight and be sure of His faithfulness. So I will see Mirna and give her whatever comfort I am capable of giving, for the LORD has a great plan for her too.

So it is MNO lecture now...and it feels as if He has just breathed on me.
Thank you Father.